I will write a post all about the birth of our firstborn son, Elijah Levring, and thoughts about his name and what he has meant to us so far, but that will come soon. Right now, I want to think through some early lessons I have learned in motherhood:
1. I am not in control. No matter what I tried to bring on contractions (and believe me, we tried almost everything), we delivered at 40.6 wks. That was really long. I think I had been done for at least 4 weeks. But, God knew when I was done and I kept telling myself that He would not give me anything which I could not handle with Him. Then I couldn’t control the tub I had. The nurse filled it so full that when I got in, we had about 4 inches on the bathroom floor. It was like a tidal wave of water. I can’t control the weight I lose (or don’t lose). Elijah was 9.06 lbs and I lost just that much and now have gained some back – maybe I should just stay off the scale. My husband would love that! I can’t control the lights on Duke Street. Since we are having to make trips to Duke UMC every day we travel Duke Street a lot – and we always hit the lights. I can’t control his platelet levels (which is why he is in ICN).
2. Prayer is my heart language at 2am. Who else is up with me? A friend gave me Psalm 121 and that is so true. I pray when I am holding him tight and he has all the cords hooked to him. I pray as I’m singing to him. I pray as I’m writing in his journal about what kind of man I want him to grow to be. E and I pray as we are going to bed, clearly exhausted, and just sometimes mumbling our prayers – thankful that our God hears even when we don’t make sense due to exhaustion and sleep-deprivation!
3. I need to extend myself grace. I started crying this morning when the only shirt that fit that would also be good for breastfeeding was a maternity shirt. I was upset at myself when I turned off the alarm at 2am which I had set so I could pump him some milk. i just rolled over and finally got up at 6am. I was frustrated this morning when Eli wouldn’t eat very well, but ate like a champ yesterday. I needed to extend myself grace when I finally gave in to stadol and an epidural 7 cm into delivery. I need to extend myself grace! My husband extends me much of it, but I need to as well.
Thankful for all these lessons I am learning.